♥ Beautiful Breakdown ♥

About this time last year I weighed 334lbs.  I felt like crap and actually thought I was dying.  Like most decisions I make in life, I decided to go to my brothers’ gym.  My brothers are competitive Powerlifters.  At the time their trainer just opened a gym.  I can honestly say it is the best decision I have made to date.

As of last Friday I am down to 262.  My goal is to get out of the 200s.  That’s a lot of weight to lose.  I will decide on a definite number when I get under 200.  Right now I’m just taking it a week at a time.  The formula is simple: eat right and exercise.  I have one cheat meal a week and only after a successful weigh-in.  At first, my trainer had to push me.  The phrase “I can’t” was in heavy rotation at that time.  Now I push myself.  My trainer throws in exercises and pushes me when I need a push.

It has been a long hard road.  I have had weeks where my weight would not budge.  Some weeks I cheated.  Some weeks, I didn’t.  I have even had some weeks when my weight goes up.  I know these setbacks are a given.  But they can be disheartening.  I honestly don’t look forward to waiting another year to get under 200lbs.  But this time last year, I didn’t look forward to losing weight the old fashioned way.  I wanted a quick fix.  But as it typical with my life, there are no quick fixes or easy outs.  I could have been the same weight or weighed more if I did nothing.  I could have be suffering from weight related deseases or I could be dead.  Instead, I fought the urge to constantly give up.  I was my own worse enemy.    Full of fear and resigned to my box.

I have been “figuring out” a lot of things lately.  And the most honest and painful truth I have discovered is this: you don’t get to 334lb without giving up on yourself over and over again.  I still fight the fear of gaining the weight back.  After all, I have lost and gained before.

I have never lost this much weight before.  And I have never kept the weight off this long.  I have never been this insightful.  I’m done giving up and giving in.  I still feel fear, I just don’t give in to it.  I am not the same person I used to be.  I keep changing, I’m an evolver.

P.S.  I know I should add some pictures.  Oddly enough, I haven’t taken many pictures lately.  But I will  get busy.

My official weight: 189, but we are going to round it to 190.

Age: 20

Height: 5’5

Short term goal: 170 by December 22nd.

Long term goal: 140 to 150, to be and feel sexy, but without losing my curves, and to have all the energy any normal twenty something should have.

I will be weighing myself every sunday, since I don’t feel like looking at the scale every single day. The numbers aren’t as important to me than feeling better. That is the biggest change since I have gained all this weight, mentally and physically I feel like sludge. I can hardly go up a flight of stairs without feeling out of breath, my boyfriend doesn’t understand why I never want to be physical with him, and all I ever want to do is sleep.

I never used to be this way. I have never been a skinny girl, but I was always active. After highschool I went away to college in New York City, which at least helped keep the weight down since I was walking everywhere.

Now that I live in Rochester, I drive everywhere, and I am overstressed, the lbs just keep packing themselves on. So it is time for me to make this change, so my entire life can have a higher quality.

Though is is day one, I would consider tomorrow to be the REAL day one, since all I did today was spend my time sleeping, and vomiting up last nights mistakes. I don’t drink much, so it wasn’t hard to get drunk quickly, and before I knew it I was a wreck.

My goal is to shed 20lbs. I have no official workout routine, but I am getting my ass out there. Started the month with a hike at Eaton Canyon. I’d like to go running more often. Just to get myself back into shape. I have a few conditioning techniques that I learned when I conditioned with the track team in high school. That was probably the best shape I’ve ever been in.

I have no specific time frame for I have to lose the weight, but 20lbs is the goal. So here’s to good health and weight loss. Wish me luck!

:D